Listen to Me

My four-year-old son is not a good listener. I know this because he forces me to repeat everything in triplicate before he acknowledges me. It’s hard to be a good listener. I have to work hard at it all the time and I’ve got three decades of experience on him.

Recently I’ve listened to some PYT’s (pretty young things) talk about their friends, school, weekends, and just the overall important-ness that is them and their lives and what I’ve noticed is this: they are ridiculously self-centred. And therein lies the problem - for one to be a good listener, one must shut it and be non-self-centred (you-centred?), for one second. In this Facebook, Twitter, myspace, look-at-Me-Me-Me-age, that's tough.

Effective communication occurs when the receiver correctly interprets the intended message spoken by the speaker. But what if the speaker sucks and doesn‘t have a message other than “listen to everything I say and realize how awesome I am?” We’ve all been there before, listening to someone drone on while seemingly viewing themselves as overly important icons (Michael Ignatieff holding court in December, anyone?).

And now that we all have numerous forums in which to post our brilliantly relevant thoughts (natch), who exactly is going to listen?

Ssy

originally posted: 6:22 PM - 2008-DEC-28

Canadian Politicos at their Best

Wait a minute…are we on Candid Camera??? Or is this just a ploy to get Canadians as engaged in politics as the recent US election showed that Americans are?

That is the only explanation that makes sense considering the inexplicable conundrum that we Canadians woke up to the other day.

You must be kidding – Harper, Dion, Layton and Duceppe – pulling this fast one on us as our economy and employment rates nose-dive to unprecedented lows.

You just want to get us all riled up, don’t you? And then you’ll regain your senses and act like [elected] grown-ups and begin working through this turmoil that we find our beloved country in. And you all will find a way to work together to fix our economy and the state of our union, right? Right?? You damn well better…

Ssy

originally posted: 11:50 AM - 2008-DEC-3

I am also in love with Beyonce

Yes, it’s true. It’s not my fault though. Bootylicious made me love her. Seriously.

When she was with Destiny’s Child and came out with Survivior, I could not stop making fun of her crazy, trippin’-over-themselves lyrics (“I’m a survivor, I’m not gon’ give up, I’m not gon’ stop, I’m gon’ work harder”). She didn’t even use full words, for chrisakes.

Bootylicious was then put into heavy rotation on the radio station that my cubicle mate used to punish me with by playing eight hours a day. So to get my point across, I printed out the lyrics and began mockingly singing them aloud every time the song played (at least five times a day). To this day, I still have no idea what this jelly is (that I don’ think you’re ready for), but I know it is fiiine and it is miiiine.

And that’s when it happened…the empowerment. The independence. The control I could suddenly assert over my own bad self. I fell into the lyrical genius of Beyonce. One only has to hear her sing any part of Independent Woman Part I to get this point:

I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get 

Ladies, it ain't easy bein independent 

Question: How'd you like this knowledge that I brought 

Braggin on that cash that he gave you is to front 

If you're gonna brag make sure it's your money you flaunt 

Depend on no one else to give you what you want 

What a message that girl is declaring. And as a side note, do you know how much fun it is to sing the woman’s songs? It’s kind of like how Alanis used to mangle the inflections of all of her super-white-angry-girl words (suppose-ED FOR-mer in-FAT-U-ation junkieEE). My girl B tends to shorten all her words and sentences so she can fit double the amount of words into a song (a useful hint is to stop pronounc’n anyth’n with ing at the end and just end it with an ‘n’ sound. It offers a great punch for each line of the song and enters nicely into the next line).

And now, here I sit addicted to her every move again. She’s come out with “All the Single Ladies”, another girl-power song that sings of a cheating man getting upset that his ex is now doin’ her own l’il thing and if he liked her then he “shoulda putta ring on” her finger. Brilliant. It’s ridiculously catchy and if you have not seen the video, I urge you to look it up on youtube (even better, watch this guy amazingly follow along http://www.blackbottom.com/watch.php?v=QSonBANahFN . Once you get over his outfit, your jaw will drop at the talent).

Make fun of the girl all you want, but damn, that girl can move, damn that girl can sing and damn that girl can work it!

Go B.

Ssy

originally posted: 4:12 PM - 2008-NOV-27

Subway Etiquette

I know, I know, you’ve all been there, done that and I’m sure, feel you've had the worst subway ride EVER, at some point in your life. But seriously, where is the Miss Manners of the subway system? Do I honestly, have to be the one to spell it out? Fine - here goes: 

1. IF YOU’RE SITTING LET THE STANDERS EXIT FIRST – Seriously, you selfish, selfish sitters. Let the people who have been teetering on their heels the whole time (or holding the sweaty, slimy, snotty poles) off the train first. You can't just stand up as soon as the train stops and feel entitled enough to exit in front of all the people who were standing and waiting patiently. It’s your choice: sit and get off last or stand and get off before the sitters. That is the price you pay for sitting. Deal with it.
2. GET THE HELL UP FOR THE ELDERLY AND PREGNANT AND HANDICAPPED – Seriously, get UP. No matter how long a day you’ve had or however deserving of that seat you feel you are, get up for that person who needs it more than you. There is a special place in hell for those of you who pretend to sleep or bury their faces in their books. Just get up.
3. STOP BLOCKING THE DOOR – Seriously, hooligans, this means you. The young things with their posse of school chums have a tendency to stand in the way of the doors, leaning on the Plexiglass beside the opening but never graciously moving out of the way when people need on or off. Just get out of the way, and then you can stand there again. Common courtesy dudes. 
4. DON’T EAT ON THE SUBWAY – Seriously, it is the grossest thing ever. Do you honestly not know this already? Chips or Doritos-eaters digging their hands into the bag, then licking off the salty deliciousness along with all the grossness from the pole (see # 5). And you apple-eaters – gag me! I once witnessed a woman eating her apple (spraying other passengers with every repulsive bite she took) and then when the train jerked, she reached for the pole with the hand that was holding her apple. Her apple (the inside of it) touched the pole. She was fully aware that her apple touched the pole. She chose to take another bite. Ew.
5. DON’T PICK YOUR NOSE ON THE SUBWAY – Seriously, if you have to pick your nose, go home or to a private bathroom to do it. Do not be like the dude I saw on the platform who went two-knuckles deep into one nostril, then boarded the train and put that same digit on a pole that other people were sharing.
6. TAKE THE BACKPACK OFF – Seriously, do you not know that the back pack is an extension of your body? Do you have any idea how many people you knock over with that king-size thing you sport on your back?
7. TAME YOUR HAIR - Seriously ladies (and some guys) with the long and or pouffy, pay attention to where you're flipping your hair. I get so repulsed by people allowing their hair to splay me int he face or rest on my hands while I'm holding the (ew) pole. Just know where your hair is.
8. DON'T LEAN ON THE POLE - Seriously, do you not realize that when you lean against a pole other people can't hold on to it? If it's just because you don't want to hold a gross pole, then stop being so self-centred and back off. No one wants to hold a gross pole. You are not special.
9. TURN DOWN THE BEATS – Seriously, I know you’re super-cool and hip-hoppy and techno-wicked and bombastic and freaking badas*s but you are an idiot if you think it’s cool to blast your music because you want to block out the subway scene (noise, chatter, whatever). And if you think you appear cool, you don’t. Not even when you start to move your head or foot to the beat. You just don’t.

 Seriously!

originally posted: 4:22 PM - 2008-NOV-13

I am in Love with Tina Fey

It's not just because she is the sexiest Sarah Palin impersonator out there. I’ve had a secret crush on Tina Fey ever since I saw her at Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update desk for the first time in 2000, and found myself intrigued by the scar she wore proudly on her face and by her choice of nerdy Lisa Loeb eye wear.

I loved that she was truly funny and the fact that she was head writer at SNL blew me away. I soon found out that she had written, produced (?) and starred in Mean Girls (starring Rachel McAdams), which was such a smart (and fun) movie that it even got me thinking about the writing game and wondering how she came up with all the bits that made that movie a success.

I was heartbroken when she left SNL, in 2006, but learned she would be coming back to TV in 30 Rock, a thirty minute comedy which Lorne Michaels had her develop in order to go head-to-head with Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (with that name, did it ever really stand a chance?).  Michael's and Fey's obvious throw-down worked, and worked well, considering the show, the writing and the actors have won countless awards for their brilliant portrayal of a totally dysfunctional crew of a live sketch/comedy show, based unapologetically on SNL itself.

I've enjoyed Ms. Fey's work so much that I even got new glasses this year - more bold and rimmed than I have ever attempted before - and called them my Tina Fey glasses. You could imagine my shock at work when I donned them, asking people what they thought of my Tina Fey glasses when not one, not two, but five people had no idea who Tina Fey was!!! I was aghast and had to point them in the direction of the internet and kindly asked that they get a life…and a sense of humour.

So my love for her aside, this year I found my political interest piquing. So much so, that I can't stop talking about the State of the Union to anyone who will listen...does it matter that I'm Canadian and that we had our own (dismal) election this year? Did I have any conversations about my own country's politics at all? Well, yes, but they all ended in the word 'hole' when describing the main party's candidates, but I digress.

I've admittedly never been as politically aware, as I am now, in all of my life. This American race is one of historical proportions.

During my last week of summer vacation in late August, I learned that republican presidential candidate, Governor John McCain, had finally appointed his running mate, the sexy Alaskan Governor, Sarah Palin. Oh. My. God. The stories that were dug up on this lady were unimaginable and to her credit, she never faltered. She just kept pluckin' along on her trailblazin' trail, tryin' to show that, us women have a place in high government too, ya know.

She made for such a fascinatingly brilliant character - one of top-notch comedic magnitude that few people could impersonate her credibly.

Enter Tina Fey.

Sure, it certainly helps that she is a spitting image of the gaffe-filled governor, but the brilliance of Fey's writing prowess makes her just the best role-model a girl like me could have. I should probably credit Amy Poehler as well for the jaw-dropping-in-awe performance that both of them gave on the season opener of this year's SNL in September (the one where Palin unabashedly likened herself to an exasperated Hilary Clinton).

I fell in love with her all over again, and like so many others, now I just anxiously await her next Palin performance. Last night's special SNL Thursday Edition, which teamed Fey's Palin with Will Ferrell's scathingly dim-witted George W., did not disappoint.

I will be sad when, on November fourth, Americans will (have to) choose Obama, and Palin will have to ski-doo back to her crazy old lipstick-wearin'-hockey-mom-of five-soon-to-be-grandmother-of-one-governin’ job in Alaska.

Thankfully, 30 Rock will be back for the new season so I can still get my Fey-fix.

originally posted: 2:21 PM - 2008-OCT-24

To: Our Burglar

An open letter to the loser who broke into my car and stole my kids’ dvd player, their favourite movie, our GPS and all the change, minus the pennies you so thoughtfully (and creepily) left behind.

Dear Scumbag Loser,

Who do you think you are, anyway? What gives you the right to prowl MY neighbourhood, checking for  (accidentally) unlocked car doors and then stealing from them as YOU see fit.

I understand that the warped logic may go something like, if they could afford it once, they can afford it again. But that’s not the point. That was OUR stuff. OUR hard-earned money bought those things. That's why WE work – to BUY things that make OUR lives simpler.

You are a loser who seems to feel entitled to anything you can scam from innocent , sleeping, bystanders. It’s abhorrent, what you do and you know it. So why do it? Is it to pay for your loser-drug habits? Are you, like, a 14-year-old loser brat who is craving mommy and daddy’s attention? It can’t be to supplement a normal, respectable job that you could most likely land if you took the time to stop stealing from strangers in the middle of the night…

For the record, next time you rifle through my change and take only the silver and leave behind the pennies, you might as well take my chapstick, the open tub of gum and my re-useable coffee cup since I certainly don’t want to touch anything your loser hands may have touched.

You disgust me. Get a job. Get a real life. Make a difference.

Ssy

originally posted: 1:16 PM - 2008-OCT-20

I am Writer, Read me Write

 So, I signed up for another continuing education writing class at the local university. I'm stressed about it but at the same time love how it’s opening my world up just a bit more.

 Since Monday’s first class, I already have a good feeling about the instructor,  I’m not the oldest one in there (why this age complex?) and I already feel a competitiveness that I haven’t felt at work for quite some time. So, I love it.

 What annoys me is seeing how confident the youngin’s are and I long to travel back in time and mulligan my 20’s. Do them over with all the confidence that I have finally amassed to date – which, for the record, would still leave me with a huge void to continue filling...

 But where do these guys get it from? Are we breeding these smug-as-hell 22 year-old university grads to come out fighting? Where was I when I finally graduated university? Oh yeah,  I was super-tipsy at the annual May 2-4 end-of-year-before-high-paying-GM-summer-student-job, northern-Ontario camping drunkfestpolooza. Where were my goals? Mulligan!

 And another thing…there were 6 guys and 8 girls in the class. The instructor asked, on three occasions, for someone to give an example topic of an article that the class could workshop. How many of the girls do you think raised their hands? Zero. All the takers were male. What is that bullshit anyway? It just leads me to believe I’m not the only one lacking confidence in this day and age.

 So, out of the eight females, there were three experienced women, there were three of me (30-something new-ish moms) and there were two young student types.  If we were all so bold as to sign up for the class, why oh why couldn’t we muster up enough courage to expose OUR ideas? I’ll tell you why I didn’t – because I didn’t want to bore anyone with the ideas I had for my articles about being a 30-something young working mother of two living in the Big Smoke and aspiring to be so much more than she thinks she is now. Instead, I chose to listen to all the boys talk about pot, condos and jet-setting. So why should I have to sit and work out their ideas and not feel strongly enough about my ideas to expose them to class as a workshop topic?

 I won’t anymore. Screw this. I am totally taking a page from a young 20 year old co-op student I work with who is the most arrogant young thing I have ever met, and yet still maintains total and utter charm. I will conquer this fear and doubt of my abilities. I will WRITE, dammit.

Ssy

originally posted: 2:55 PM - 2008-OCT-8

I am Blogger, Hear me Blog

    Welcome to Thirty-Something Sass…not to be confused with “thirty somethings ass” which is what I just read as I opened up this blog page for the first time. I really should re-think this title…

     As a quick introduction, this is my first real crack at writing and publishing on-line (or anywhere for that matter). I only wish to offer some musings of life in my world right now – the world of a married, full-time working mother, of two wicked cool boys, who is kind-of-sort-of-but-not-really going through a bit of a mid-mid life crisis. Strike that. It’s not a crisis, it’s a realization. Life, in a new place. The undefined place that resides achingly close to my fun-filled youth, yet is not within reach of the more comfortable experience- and wisdom-filled maturity of adulthood.

     Technically, I know I’m an adult but for some reason the meter, on which I measure age, still defines me as a kid. Probably because in my head, my parents and my bosses are ‘adults’. If they’re adults, how can I be one as well? For some reason I can’t grasp the fact that I am a grown adult. Thankfully I am closer than ever to understanding my age since becoming a mother, twice over, in the last three years and since I am inundated, at every turn, with youthful new hires to our company, whose seemingly sole purpose is to make me feel adult-like.

   

     Working in the financial sector of a big city can take it’s toll on a thirty-something woman who is on the cusp of loving herself, as is, but then gets so easily swayed by the new wrinkles she regularly finds around her eyes and the constant emergence of PYT’s (pretty young things) into the revolving door that is Office Life.  And hearing about their party-laden weekends, thoughtless make-out sessions with other PYT’s and their Sunday 16 hour sleep-ins, it’s enough to make you feel super-nostalgic and super out-of-it.

     But today was a breakthrough for my own ego. After recapping the events of my ridiculously relaxing but oh-so-boring-in-comparison cottage weekend with my man and my boys, the youngest of the PYT’s in my office said, “Oh, you have SUCH a great life!”.  How cool am I? Stick around to find out exactly how un-cool I am…

Ssy

Originally posted: 12:31 PM - 2008-JUL-28