Subway Etiquette

I know, I know, you’ve all been there, done that and I’m sure, feel you've had the worst subway ride EVER, at some point in your life. But seriously, where is the Miss Manners of the subway system? Do I honestly, have to be the one to spell it out? Fine - here goes: 

1. IF YOU’RE SITTING LET THE STANDERS EXIT FIRST – Seriously, you selfish, selfish sitters. Let the people who have been teetering on their heels the whole time (or holding the sweaty, slimy, snotty poles) off the train first. You can't just stand up as soon as the train stops and feel entitled enough to exit in front of all the people who were standing and waiting patiently. It’s your choice: sit and get off last or stand and get off before the sitters. That is the price you pay for sitting. Deal with it.
2. GET THE HELL UP FOR THE ELDERLY AND PREGNANT AND HANDICAPPED – Seriously, get UP. No matter how long a day you’ve had or however deserving of that seat you feel you are, get up for that person who needs it more than you. There is a special place in hell for those of you who pretend to sleep or bury their faces in their books. Just get up.
3. STOP BLOCKING THE DOOR – Seriously, hooligans, this means you. The young things with their posse of school chums have a tendency to stand in the way of the doors, leaning on the Plexiglass beside the opening but never graciously moving out of the way when people need on or off. Just get out of the way, and then you can stand there again. Common courtesy dudes. 
4. DON’T EAT ON THE SUBWAY – Seriously, it is the grossest thing ever. Do you honestly not know this already? Chips or Doritos-eaters digging their hands into the bag, then licking off the salty deliciousness along with all the grossness from the pole (see # 5). And you apple-eaters – gag me! I once witnessed a woman eating her apple (spraying other passengers with every repulsive bite she took) and then when the train jerked, she reached for the pole with the hand that was holding her apple. Her apple (the inside of it) touched the pole. She was fully aware that her apple touched the pole. She chose to take another bite. Ew.
5. DON’T PICK YOUR NOSE ON THE SUBWAY – Seriously, if you have to pick your nose, go home or to a private bathroom to do it. Do not be like the dude I saw on the platform who went two-knuckles deep into one nostril, then boarded the train and put that same digit on a pole that other people were sharing.
6. TAKE THE BACKPACK OFF – Seriously, do you not know that the back pack is an extension of your body? Do you have any idea how many people you knock over with that king-size thing you sport on your back?
7. TAME YOUR HAIR - Seriously ladies (and some guys) with the long and or pouffy, pay attention to where you're flipping your hair. I get so repulsed by people allowing their hair to splay me int he face or rest on my hands while I'm holding the (ew) pole. Just know where your hair is.
8. DON'T LEAN ON THE POLE - Seriously, do you not realize that when you lean against a pole other people can't hold on to it? If it's just because you don't want to hold a gross pole, then stop being so self-centred and back off. No one wants to hold a gross pole. You are not special.
9. TURN DOWN THE BEATS – Seriously, I know you’re super-cool and hip-hoppy and techno-wicked and bombastic and freaking badas*s but you are an idiot if you think it’s cool to blast your music because you want to block out the subway scene (noise, chatter, whatever). And if you think you appear cool, you don’t. Not even when you start to move your head or foot to the beat. You just don’t.

 Seriously!

originally posted: 4:22 PM - 2008-NOV-13